My personal favorite place to fit Dick Cheney’s name is in findings numbered 231 and 232 on page 94:

“During the course of this Review, a number of Agency officers expressed unsolicited concern about the possibility of recrimination or legal action resulting from their participation in the CTC Program. A number of officers expressed concern that a human rights group might pursue them for activities [REDACTED].”

“One officer expressed concern that one day, Agency officers will wind up on some “wanted list” to appear before the World Court for war crimes stemming from activities [REDACTED].”

My “that were ordered by Dick Cheney” piece fits perfectly in the little black boxes at the end of both sentences. Coincidence?

If you want to play the game with a “President Bush” piece instead, that requires even less work. After all, “President Bush” appears on page 93, where the report quotes from his 2003 statement in observance of United Nations International Day in Support of Victims of Torture:

The United States declares its strong solidarity with torture victims across the world. Torture anywhere is an affront to human dignity everywhere. We are committed to building a world where human rights are respected and protected by the rule of law. Freedom from torture is an inalienable human right . . . . Yet torture continues to be practiced around the world by rogue regimes whose cruel methods match their determination to crush the human spirit . . . .

Notorious human rights abusers . . . have sought to shield their abuses from the eyes of the world . . . . The United States is committed to the worldwide elimination of torture and we are leading this fight by example.

If you’re having trouble finding that quote, it’s a few pages after all the stuff about putting prisoners inside boxes with insects, intimidating prisoners with power drills, how one prisoner was improperly subjected to waterboarding 183 times, and the description of how interrogators staged a mock execution and made a prisoner believe his female relatives would be sexually assaulted.

The only downside to the game is that so MANY names can fit in all those blacked-out boxes. Don’t bother printing out “Congressional Intelligence Oversight Committees,” though – the parts of the report detailing how the Oversight Committees made no objections to the use of these enhanced interrogation techniques have not been redacted.

-AS

The report that Mr. Cheney was behind the decision to conceal the still-unidentified program from Congress deepened the mystery surrounding it, suggesting that the Bush administration had put a high priority on the program and its secrecy.

Right. Got it. Eight years ago, Dick Cheney authorized the secret creation of replicants to fight the so-called war on terror. These dangerous, biologically-engineered humanoids are now moving among us, and Harrison Ford is going to have to be shamed out of retirement for one more kill.

Imagine my surprise to find this was all just a CIA assassination program (yawn). Apparently not a terribly successful one either. The CIA tried to relive their ’70s glory days, only to find secret assassinations are just better on film. As one former intelligence official said, “It sounds great in the movies, but when you try to do it, it’s not that easy.”

Indeed. Imagine if we actually had to deal with replicants.

-AS

-AS