A quality public apology requires only two parts.  1)  Admit what you said/did was wrong; and 2) say you’re sorry.  And if you want to throw in some unhinged stream of conscience stuff on your love of the Appalachian Trail, so much the better.

Sadly, apologizers seem to almost always feel the need to go one step further, offering hollow excuses that undermine the first two parts.  Take, for example, Tony Kornheiser’s recent apology for sexist comments he made about Hannah Storm’s outfit at the Olympics.  Kornheiser correctly recognizes his remarks were intemperate and stupid, and offers an apology to Storm.  But he then feels the need to add the line, “If you put a live microphone in front of somebody, eventually that person will say something wrong.”  At least two problems with this statement:  1) while I cannot account for every statement ever made by everyone who’s spent significant time in front of a microphone, I’m pretty sure it’s not true, at least to the extent that “wrong”=”offensive”; and 2) to the extent that it is true, it’s meaningless and unnecessary.  Imagine how ridiculous a similar statement would be in another context:  you say something hurtful to a close friend, apologize, but then add “you know, if you and I are going to talk every day, eventually I’m going to say something wrong.”

Even worse is the apology/non-apology, where what seems like an apology is really a disingenuous and implausible explanation for why there’s no need to apologize.  The most common variation of this is “My words were taken out of context.”  My favorite example comes from an ESPN the Magazine article I read a few years back, in which an NFL player admitted to telling his wife “I’ll be just like OJ and you’ll be Nicole,” but claimed these words were taken out of context.  While it’s literally true that every time a quote is reproduced it’s taken out of context, it’s hard to imagine a context that would excuse that statement.

Closely related to implausible claims that a quote was taken “out of context” are implausible claims that a quote was misinterpreted.  Such was the excuse of Virginia Delegate Bob Marshall for his contention that disabled children are God’s way of punishing women for abortions.  For a full evisceration of Marshall and the implausibility of his “apology,” see the always wonderful Kate Harding.

Sadly, I have no recent examples of the worst form of public apology, the “I’m sorry if anyone was offended,” which essentially translates to “Suck it up, crybabies.”  But I will highlight a particularly egregious example:  last year Senator Jim Bunning apologized for predicting that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would soon be dead, but his apology was conditioned on Justice Ginsburg being offended.

One last note:  even if you get the words right and avoid counterproductive excuses and qualifications, it helps if you aren’t just awkwardly reading a statement and occasionally raising the volume of your voice to indicate anger.

-AR