Listening to Sarah Palin now is kind of like remembering how we used to wear Hypercolor T-shirts. I guess that was the kind of thing that would only make sense as a pre-teen in the 80s. Once puberty hit, wearing a Hypercolor T-shirt just meant wearing a shirt with hypercolor pit stains. Also, as far as I remember, all the Hypercolorness wore out after about 10 washes. What a drag! Anyway, it’s nice we have enough distance from Palin now that it’s charming to look back and say to ourselves, wow, what was that all about?

There is already speculation about Palin’s real motives for resigning, so I want to get in while the gettin’s hot. Here are my top pics for the *real* reason Palin resigned by the banks of Lake Lucille today:

1. Trig actually Bristol’s first child. This news is about to be revealed by some creepy person who collected skin and hair samples from both and now has definitive proof.
2. Having illicit affair with Greta Van Susteren of Fox News.
3. Got carried away on vacation in Palm Springs; signed Alaska up for timeshare; Alaska now has to sit by pool in scorching heat and hope resale value of timeshare improves.
4. Just another victim of toxic mold syndrome.
5. Paid off by Mark Sanford who, after poisoning Michael Jackson, was at a loss how to keep the news cycle rolling elsewhere.

-AS